the Chronycle

Men, for a cleaner and happier world, sit down when you go number one on a toilet

For my part, i firmly believe in the possibility of humankind taking great steps forward as a result of adjusting human behavior in very simple ways.

There is no better example of such a very simple, small adjustment, which would change our lives and our descendants' lives forever, as men (male human beings) beginning to sit down on the toilet when urinating, aka "going number 1," "peeing," or "taking a leak."

The savings in clean water usage, detergent, and most of all, the savings in human labor and human aggravation, would be more substantial than any savings we can get from not running the tap when brushing our teeth, for example.

And yet, today in 2012, men carry on entering bathrooms, raising the seat, taking their private out, and proceed to splatter and splash a bunch of urine all over the place; it's on the seat, on the floor, on the wall, and potentially, on the bath or hand towel. Nice.

What is going through men's minds at that point? "Oh, i thought this was a urinal!" No, it's called a toilet.

Men, don't come and tell me you "have a technique" and you "don't splatter it everywhere," because it's physically completely impossible, given the height difference between the seat and the bottom of your johnson, for you *not* to splatter it everywhere. So don't even try to talk about no technique, because no one's buying it.

What about the noise? Is it really that cool to be adding insult to injury, by subjecting anyone within ear's reach to the splashing of your yellow liquid at the bottom of the bowl?

And anyway, what do you do when you need to "go number 2"? First you stand up and splatter it everywhere, and then you sit down to take care of the rest of the business?

Give me a break. When it's number 2, you sit down right away, because the last thing you want is to sit in pee - that's for the girls - and everything works fine. So what's the difference?

Peeing standing over a toilet is one of the dumbest behaviors ever perpetuated by human kind. It is wasteful, dirty, and totally disrespectful, towards women in particular, who have to deal with dirty toilet seats anywhere they go, simply because the sausage wearers just couldn't sit down (highway gas station bathrooms, anyone)?

And why do men not sit down? Oh wait, it's because most males are so incredibly well endowed, that they couldn't possibly sit on the toilet bowl, else they wouldn't be able to pee! I mean, most men have armadillos in their pants, really.

Is it just because men are lazy? Well, partly.

Or is it for some other, darker, deep psychoanalytical reason, that all human males think about but are too afraid to discuss or face up to?

My explanation is that men don't sit down on the toilet because:

1. It proves to them that they are powerful, to think they're going to make a mess, that they don't need to clean up, that someone else is going to clean up behind them. This peeing-while-standing tradition being passed along from male generation to male generation, at this point most men wouldn't even think of questioning it.

2. Men feel a lot better about the size of their genitals and thus their own manhood, if they convince themselves they can't sit down because their pleasure rod is just "too damn big" to fit in there. It's like those guys in public bathrooms, who look like they're unwrapping a Christmas present after they unzip. It's important for them to assert their manhood around other males.

So how about it? Cleaner public bathrooms, and no one needing to clean urine off the floor to make a living. A lot happier world, and a lot of human labor saved, not to mention clean water.

Oh yeah, and i'm a guy - a male human being. And my life is just that much more enjoyable since i started sitting down. The ladies like it, too.

Next time you need to urinate and encounter, do everyone and yourself a favor and just sit down.

Your manhood's fine anyway, as long as you know how to use it.

philip m. shearer


bronx, ny, usa